


Fiction

by wigglebox



Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Existential Angst, M/M, Minor Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 04:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21385933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wigglebox/pseuds/wigglebox
Summary: We’ve read the back of the book, we know what’s going to happen.The fields burned, the land destroyed, the lovers left broken in the brown dirt.And then it’s gone.Makes you sad. All your friends are gone.GoodbyeGoodbye.-Richard Siken/ 'Snow and Dirty Rain'
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514216
Comments: 14
Kudos: 25





	Fiction

Why did it have to be him? 

Why couldn’t it have been some old asshole of an angel who just popped into the motel room, gave him the low-down on shit, and poofed away?

It was a question that Dean asked himself from time to time ever since they met Cas: Why did it have to be him. But, usually, the question would be asked whenever Dean had to take time for himself after being around Cas or found himself with his heart in his throat when realizing Cas went away again without letting them know where. It was a question that occurred every time Dean lost himself in daydreams, or regular dreams, only to snap back to reality with a guilty blush on his face. Why did it have to be Cas? 

It was more of a vague question, one that Dean never intended to answer. The ‘why’ didn’t matter as much as the desired outcome Dean dreamed of. He was more exasperated than anything, along with a little bit of fear and anxiety surrounding the concept.

But now —

Now

The question came flying back at Dean like someone hurled a cinder block at his face. Why did it have to be Cas?

Answer: Because if it weren’t, nothing would have happened the way it was written to happen. 

There wouldn’t have been another Angel who decided to follow a human instead of the pack. Several other candidates were willing to upend the establishment, but there was only one that would capture Dean’s attention to help lead that Angel astray. No one would have broken him out of Heaven so he could go find Sam. There would have been no one to help subvert Heaven and Hell’s plans for them.

It was when Dean thought about it even harder, piecing together all of the moments he had with Cas and their stories together, he felt his throat close up. 

It was really all those times that Cas came back that gave Dean vertigo.

Archangel kills Cas, he comes back; Archangel kills Cas again, he comes back again; Absorbs souls, walk into the river, and explodes into monsters? Dean still finds him alive —

Stabbed, killed, wings burned into the ground, the tell-tale sign of an Angel gone forever: Cas still returns. 

Once thought of as hopeful, maybe even poignant, Dean wanted to throw a fist into the wall just thinking about those times.

God was dangling Cas in front of Dean’s face, knowing Dean could never capture the prize, moving him into action, building sympathy and other near-crippling emotions every damn time — 

The whole thing was entertainment. It was all a fucking soap opera for God, and everything that Dean felt develop over the years was nothing but falsity. ‘The human gets caught up in the whirlwind of love and love and fear and hope’ — that’s good television. That’s a good book: Dean chasing down the prize that will never be his, should he ever get over his own trepidations. 

It was a cruel act for both of them. 

Cas was put in front of Dean like a sparkling new toy, only to keep taking it from him and running it through the wringer just to watch Dean squirm and cry. 

It wasn’t a tragedy. 

It was trauma porn. 

In the time it took Dean to drive from place to place in that little Kansas town, he figured it out, God’s words echoing in his head. It only took a minute to figure out what the two options were going forward:

If God were still around, still meddling, he’d have Cas taken away from Dean once more, just for the laughter. It was a well-practiced trick that fooled Dean every time.

If God wasn’t around, and that veil lifted, then Cas would leave on his own, realizing that he was only ever around these two because there was a hand pushing him. There wouldn’t be a reason to stay anymore. 

Two nights after his revelation, Dean got his answer as Cas ascended to the door. 

Move on. 

That’s what they have to do now. No more theatrics -- no more anything other than moving on. 

So, Dean parrots that back to Sam: We’re free to move on. 

Only, there’s no passion behind those words, and Sam doesn’t take it to heart anyway. They both knew the truth: They were stuck in a pit with no way out. No past, and no future. Nothing to build off of that was really, indeed, ever theirs that could launch them into a future. 

When Sam mentions Jess, Dean tenses, hands white-knuckled against the steering wheel. She was another toy — just one that didn’t last as long. She was just another player in God’s torture chamber as he got off on watching them suffer. 

Dread filled Dean from bottom to top, turning his blood into ice. 

It’s been fifteen years since Jess and Sam still carried the weight around with him.

How long was it going to take Dean? 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome back to another round of "Misery and Pain"!  
Also, don't ask me why I latch onto Siken poetry. He just got this vibe going that I gravitate to when writing. 
> 
> This week's coda was a little harder. And, I'm finding, as the weeks go on, it's hard to not do a full psych evaluation on Dean. Like, I'm talking 70 pages and shit. 
> 
> This one's a little short. Honestly though, who else cried because of Sam in the final scene? I just wanted to reach through the screen can give him a hug! D: 
> 
> -Jennifer | wigglebox on Tumblr and Twitter


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